November 1// 11:39
this has been a hectic week. lots of familiar feelings and trying to forget. maybe i’m forgetting for all the wrong reasons but i guess it doesn’t matter if i don’t care. there’s been a lot of weird things happening to me that regularly don’t happen. but i’m so sick of crying over people. i don’t enjoy making people feel upset, i don’t enjoy feeling upset because of shitty people. this is mostly what the week consisted of
think i’m liking xanax more and more. friday would have been bad if i hadn’t taken it, i had a nice time too, but again i did it for the wrong reasons. i don’t remember much, which is what i was aiming for. halloween was swell also. but again, more and more awkwardness. i’m glad i was drunk. raves are fun, just rly lovin’ glowy things and always have been. as the weeks go on i really wish i wasn’t on probation so i could smoke weed. i’m tired of alcohol and pharmaceuticals, dependency is starting to take place again
the other night i had a dream where ashley handed me a blunt and i smoked it, later on realizing i was on probation and freaking out in my dream. i’ve had this dream on multiple occasions these past 4 months, and i find it extremely odd because i have an artificial high whilst this is all happening. i don’t know.
my little brother ran away but hes back, he’s 12 and it’s been about a day and i’m happy he’s back. so happy. things like this empty my mind for the time being, in a way, and i start worrying about something important. my little brother means a lot to me. though i don’t think i overreact in situations, but the situations i’m usually in are fucked- i just really wish they were not there. i’ve used the word shitty and useless a lot this week. my father always told me not to worry about the small things in life, and though theyre not small, i can see what he’s getting at. i’m only 17
